seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
