i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
