talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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