A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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