my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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