Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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