my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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