just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
