matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
