Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
