1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
