when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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