Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize