Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
