cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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