my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
