Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize