I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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