why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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