My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
