After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
