The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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