I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Your topless pictures make me question reality
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Randomize
