just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
