I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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