One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
