turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
her facebook's as public as her vagina
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
