I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
