I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
