Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
