I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
