so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
