she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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