already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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