im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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