The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
