first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
