I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
