what day is it and did you see me today?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
