I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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