On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
