apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
