That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
