Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
