Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
