I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
