Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
