just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
