I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
