sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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