Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
two words: eviction party
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
