Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
