Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
