when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
