Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
