I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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