"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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