You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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