I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
