He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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