Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i need some magic done to my vagina
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
