oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
