Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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